The Goddess Guide

by Giséle Scanlon

How many times have you been in a situation where you just wish you could get some advice?

Not necessarily from friends or relatives; but some real insight into the problems you’re facing. Today’s women have a lot more to deal with on a daily basis than ever before, some by choice and some by necessity. Everything from kids and family to work and health - there are literally hundreds of questions that we all have, especially when it seems there is no way forward. Let's face it – a woman could go crazy.

Often, what might seem to be the most insignifi cant problem can sometimes build to a crescendo when we fail to address the issue from the very beginning.
How many times have we said to ourselves, “if only?” If only I had the time to take care of this, if only we had talked about this earlier, if only there was someone who understood what I was going through.

The big question is - how much easier would life be - if you had all the answers? Would it really have a big impact on how you lived your life? Or would you think, “That won't work,” or “I can't do that!” Would there always be an excuse not to follow the advice? It defi nitely takes a little faith in what you are reading or listening to for things to change or improve. Every day we are faced with new challenges and dilemmas, but not to worry because now every day - we will have some insight on what to do about them thanks to Dr. Dale.

Dr. Dale Atkins is a licensed psychologist with more than 25 years of experience with not only relationship problems - but also with women and couples who need guidance. Well known for her appearances on various talk shows; including one of my favourites The Today Show with Katie Couric on NBC - Dr. Dale has detailed all the little things that niggle us to all the big things that life throws at us. Dealing with each subject in a clear easy to understand format, she makes things look so simple you think, yes, I can do that and it makes sense. In fact, speaking from experience; when you actually take action even if you don't want to at the time, you’d be surprised how quickly what was worrying you - all of a sudden is no longer an issue.

Understanding the working woman completely, Dr. Dale graciously gave of her time to answer a few of our questions about her new book release, even though it was over the weekend!

How would you describe the modern woman today and what do you think she needs most?

Her life is overfl owing with things to do. She has lists upon lists and has a difficult time finding "down" time as well as time to restore herself and recharge her life force (her batteries!) Today's modern woman needs balance in her life. She needs a way to fi gure out how to assess where she is at this point in her life and what works for her now. She is wise to appreciate that it is a good thing to accept help from people and to realize and appreciate that she will not get everything done perfectly. Acceptance of "good enough" is a major issue in maintaining balance. She is more often than not working outside of her home as well as maintaining a home, family and community life. Because people are living longer she is also more likely to be caring for a younger as well as an older generation in her family. She often does not live near her parents who require care and attention as they age and so that adds another layer of responsibility to her life. This is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be wonderful to care for and about one's aging parents; but when there is so little time and energy to look after things in the way she would like, she often feels as if she is only giving part of what she would like to do and feels as if she is not doing a good enough job.

Women today are "connected" via cell phones, e-mail, pagers, instant messaging and have a challenge transitioning from one role to another. Too often their focus is on everyone else's well being and they allow their own sense of well being to fall to the bottom of their never ending list. They juggle many things and often do not put some of the things to be juggled down. Often, today's woman feels guilty when she does take some moments for herself...time to hang out with friends, to laugh, to engage her own interests. Taking care of oneself and listening to what is going on internally, allowing for time to heed one's spiritual inner voice is essential to balance.

Do you think American women are very different from European women?

I think women are very much the same...connected in their understanding that they are more often than not the center of the family, the caregivers, the provider of support and balance for others in their lives. They also understand each other's "shorthand" about sacrifi cing for those they love, about being tired or preoccupied when a child or a parent is not well...being concerned about an adult child who has not found his or her way in the world and allowing that to colour one's own perception of life. Women understand the pull of family and work and need to make the world a better place.

They also are each other’s greatest supporters because the friendship that comes from women is based in a basic understanding and acceptance of how the role of women has and is changing but is not yet where it needs to be so that women can truly feel fulfi lled in all aspects of their many faceted lives.
My book has received a wonderful response with women all over the world and I am grateful to hear from these women, particularly with regard to confl ict between work and home. How we provide care for our aging or ill parents or spouses varies culturally, but there is not a woman alive who cannot empathize with another woman who has that responsibility...be it her own parents or her in law's parents. I believe in Europe, where there is generally more accessible health care and new mother care and well baby care available, there is generally more support for women who are new mothers and for women who need good child care. Women living in areas near their families (more prevalent in Europe than in America) also can (but do not always succeed) in having intergenerations available to help with child care and family responsibilities. And, since many European countries have a more accepting attitude toward enforced vacations, there is more willingness for women (and men) to avail themselves time to restore and revitalize.

How would you advise women in a high powered position with a family to balance their lives effectively?

To take time for themselves, to evaluate and re-evaluate what is the true meaning in their lives. To spend time with the people they love and want to be with and to do things that make them smile and laugh every day. To focus on the larger picture and not get bogged down with the pettiness of life. To take very good care of themselves, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...to eat healthfully, to stretch their bodies and their brains, to enjoy the small wonders of life and to NOT take their good fortune for granted. These women, more than most, need to learn how to delegate. They are often so good at many things, and frequently impatient with the fact that other people cannot do what they can do as well, as fast, as effi ciently, whatever, so they do EVERYTHING and then they get resentful that they are doing everything (it is a vicious cycle.) They need transition between work and home. The last 15 minutes of their returning to home needs to be without business oriented cell phone calls or e-mails. They need to listen to some great music, or some book on tape, or read something that makes them smile or think or feel inspired. When they get home they need to make a conscious effort to slow down. The rush,, rush, of the work day is not healthy for a family. Spouses, Children, pets, need to be responded to on their time table and if everyone is in a major rush, conversations don't flow and people feel they are valued for what they do rather than who they are. The mum needs to set this standard...taking time to breathe, to unwind and to sit with herself, and those who are important to her each day... before the dinner, homework, bath routines...or after...but to carve out that much needed time to be together. There needs to be technological-free time at home. EVERYONE needs time off and away from work to recharge and gain a different perspective on what goes on during the day. The world will not fall apart if we tune out for some time. And, children most of all, need to know that what they say is heard...not filtered through a partially attentive parent who is text messaging her office while her child is recounting what happened in nursery school. Women in high powered positions need to have time to themselves... when they travel they should take time to have a massage in their room, visit the gym or relax with a good movie.
Everyone who travels needs to bring a book that is just for fun or inspiration...airport and train delays warrant it today. Many high powered women are taking up knitting, drawing, embroidery, and are finding it very relaxing and meditative while on the go.

What do you think is the main cause of stress in women’s lives today?

Striving toward perfectionism and believing the myth that not only can they have it all but that they can make it all happen alone and quickly. Life is unpredictable. The key is to be in as good shape as we can, so we can be flexible and able to deal with whatever comes our way in life. It is such a challenging world...high expectations, super competitive, pressure to be at the top of one's game as well as being totally fit, attractive and energized...we need to nurture the spiritual side of our natures... we are women...spiritual and intuitive. It is all in our attitude... we can be the best that we can be by being ourselves...our true selves…selves that are constantly evolving and growing and learning and internalizing everything life offers us.

What piece of advice would you offer younger women who are beginning University?

To understand that life is about change. It is truly what we are all need to understand, our bodies, our minds, our attitudes, our relationships, everything changes... and change can be wonderful. It can cause us to become introspective and learn about ourselves and life in general. I would also encourage women in University to pay attention to the world around them and to realize that they are not alone in the world. They are connected with each other, with the earth, and that we are all responsible for the world we live in. We must encourage others to be their best selves, we must offer support, we must be open to differences so we can grow and learn...women in university need to be open to a world that they are inheriting and must be sensitive to their role in making it better. Friendship and good health (very related) are important to growth and balance. Young women who are encouraged and who encourage each other to be healthy, inquisitive, and industrious and try new things will be more likely to appreciate what has value in life and keep their attitudes and minds open to the joy that is possible in life.

What was your main goal when compiling Sanity Savers and do you think you accomplished that?

I wanted women to support each other...to understand that it is possible to have a balanced life but that it is an on- going process. I wanted women to begin a dialogue about things that they often do not simply talk about - and if there is something they have not experienced, that they will develop sensitivity to it; because someone else has experienced it and it is important to have empathy to have successful relationships. I wanted women all over the world to appreciate that we are not so different from one another. We have basic needs and we must encourage each other to live well, healthfully and to care for ourselves...to keep balance and to be encouraged along the way.